The challenges of living with autism and experiencing the pain of bereavement

As you are all aware, I sadly lost my mum to cancer in May 2022 and my dad to cancer back in 2000.  This is a non-football related article on my struggles with bereavement and being on the Autism spectrum, having found out at the age of 47 in June of this year.  Thank you for your support.

I always knew I was different to everyone else while growing up in Bromley within a very loving family.  I had the best mum and dad in the world and I loved them so much and still do.

At school, I was the only one who attended football matches while all my peers ‘supported’ the London clubs and the successful teams of the time, the Manchester United’s, Liverpool’s etc – even though they never went to games in person. One did, he was a Tottenham fan.

I found social situations really awkward (and still do) and I found that following a football team throughout the season would help me get through my challenging life. 

At work, I maintained employment but it was always at the lowest grade, lowest pay and my target was to stay in a job for at least two years.  I’ve been pretty lucky.  I am grateful to my current employment for the support that they have given me and I have worked there since 2007.

A few years’ ago, however, before the Covid pandemic, my line manager at the time noticed that I was struggling and he sat me in an office and claimed that I might be autistic, which came as quite a shock, but I did read about it online and felt these claims might be right.

I recall growing up that I attended speech therapy classes as a very young child.

I have difficulty in social situations and still do.

I HATE CHANGE and there is a need for doing the same things over and over and routine is a big thing for me.

For example, walking to work from Charing Cross train station to my office the same way going and a different way on the way back later in the day.

Sitting in the same seat at whatever football ground that I am reporting at.

When mum sadly lost her life with cancer back in May 2022, I had bereavement to deal with.  My sister dealt with the legal side of things (thank you), I have spoken to my brother once or twice since her passing – but both of them are in relationships, married and with kids’ and I feel like I am on my own, living in my mum’s house in Tunbridge Wells until it gets sold.

Alone with my own thoughts has been tough.  Thankfully, I attend the office once a week (my employment have been excellent and supportive since my mum’s passing and autism diagnoses) but I do feel like I have lost everything and everyone that was special to me in my life.  I add work colleagues that have departed in that too.

I also feel attending football matches once or twice a week (sometimes three) has been a major help to my well-being.  Going out and talking to people that I know and respect and being out of the house and doing the one thing that I love the most allows me to take my mind of things for a few hours.

My employment sent me to Occupational Health following my mum’s passing and that was the big chance to tell them that my former line manager claimed I was autistic.

I was diagnosed at the time as suffering from depression and anxiety following my mum’s passing.  It probably explains that I haven’t put in the same commitment levels to this website since then and just reporting on games and not doing my usual match previews like I did almost everyday before the pandemic.

I have run this website as a hobby since June 2003. I am so proud of it and appreciate your visits and loyalty.

I have been reading online on various websites about autism and here are some of the traits that I struggle with.

Number one - I HATE CHANGE and CANNOT DEAL WITH IT!

Number two – I must have rituals and routine and these MUST be met.

For example, since mum’s passing, how many consecutive days have I eaten the same breakfast?  I must do my clothes washing on a Thursday. I walk the same way to the office and another way on the way back.   I must be at a football stadium before 1:30pm on a Saturday, 6:30pm on a midweek. I must have a team-sheet at least 30 minutes before kick-off. I must do the same things, in the same order. I must visit the same shops, I must buy the same products….

Trains CANNOT be cancelled or a minute late.  I arrive at the train station expecting the train to either be there, or turn up on time. If it’s late, then I can have a verbal meltdown.

If things deviate then you can have something that is described as a ‘meltdown’ and you have to do something that is described as ‘stimming’ to cope.

For example, when I purchase my train ticket at my local train station, the door to the ticket office has to be open and there MUST be someone behind the counter to be able to sell me a ticket, a face that I recognise – oh, I like to use cash, not cards and definately not a mobile phone device.  If this sequence is broken, the ticket office is closed and I have to use the ticket machine, then I can react and have a verbal meltdown, often swearing to myself.

If an unrecognised person then speaks to me, my brain cannot cope and this is when I could have a verbal ‘meltdown,’ and as a coping mechanism, you could even start talking to yourself and words can come out of your mouth that you can’t control – to deal with the situation.

Highly focused interests or hobbies:

Football. Attending football matches, talking about it, writing about it.  I write the longest match reports and give you an in-depth report and reaction.  If a football manager walks past me and doesn’t do a post-match interview – oh my god! It’s another meltdown! 

I write the truth. Probably explains why I have upset so many football managers over the years.

I have tried to stay of social media in recent months. I only follow football yet for some unknown reason, I get messages pop up from X’s owner, and I get messages about USA and UK politics – even though I do not follow them and have little interest in it.

You have to think to yourself why is this happening? What message are they getting across? Are they trying to brainwash people with their views?

The last thing I want is to experience World War Three. I have no interest in fighting or confrontation. I treat everyone with respect. I do not follow a political party. Of course, I am concerned about issues of the day, everyone is.  My heating comes on at six o’clock in the evening. I wish I could heat the house for longer but I just can’t afford it!

Being diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum has its challenges. Like experinecing burnout.  Once I have finished my Saturday and published my match report after spending the train journey writing up the manager quotes, I suffer from burnout. 

'Masking' is a strategy used, concisiouly or uconcisiously, to appear non-autistic in order to blend in and be more accepted in society.  I mask very well on a matchday!

I wish I knew about it when I was growing up – life would just be so much easier had I known.  The many times a line manager at work would criticise me for avoiding eye contact, crossing my arms and looking at the floor whilst they spoke to me, etc, claiming I have litlte intersest in my work, etc.

There are many other traits (several tics over the years) and remember not everyone with autism is the same. I like to keep myself to myself and not broadcast myself on social media. I have noticed people get better opportunities by putting themselves on social media.

Unfortunately, I am not somebody who can sit down and speak to someone about these issues – or pick up a phone and talk about it.  If you are experiencing tough times, please talk to someone close to you.   There are many websites and helplines that you can make contact with.  Do NOT bottle it up inside you. It’s better out than in!

This link will take you to the National Autistic Society’s website.

Thank you for reading my website and for your contined support.

Stephen McCartney
Editor
www.kentishfootball.co.uk

Email: stephen@kentishfootball.co.uk

PS: No sponsorship deal has been agreed between this website and the organisation mentioned within this article.

I  would like to thank those who have been in contact by email, text, WhatsApp - your kind words are appreciated.